Ashera is a Marriage and Family Therapist with an extensive background in sexual health education. You can ask her stuff anonymously and she won’t get weirded out. Seriously, try her. Send your queries through our anonymous contact form here.
Dear Ashera,
Maybe you can help me. I don’t know what to do — if I should do anything, that is.
I’m in love with a co-worker of mine and have been for some time now, at least a year, and I’ve known this person for a few years. I cherish our friendship so I don’t want to tell her how I really feel because I don’t want to ruin anything or make anything awkward. She has a boyfriend and also hooks up with other guys, which I’m used to knowing about at this point so it doesn’t bother me much because I love her as a person. I don’t want to hook up with her because I respect her boyfriend and because I don’t want to be another number, or ruin our awesome friendship. As time goes on I notice I think about her more and more, and even feel overexcited when I see her. I think she might have a crush on me as well but I’m not 100% sure. So, what do YOU think? Should I do anything about it or just let it ride out and see what happens in the years to come?
I was thinking about hanging out with another girl around her to see if she’d be jealous, as cruel as that sounds, but I feel like it’s the only way to know how she really feels about me.
Thanks for reading my pathetic sounding story that I thought couldn’t happen to me, but life seems to never cease throwing curve balls. : p
Sincerely, and with Love,
– A
Dear A,
The fact that you work together is the most concerning for me. While it works out for Jim & Pam in The Office, it has a very real potential to go pear-shaped if you do act on it. Generally, mixing business and romance is frowned upon, especially if there is an unequal amount of power in your workplace between the two of you. Even if you do have a fling, there’s a potential for drama if things don’t work out in the long run, i.e.: the rumor mill.
Her already being partnered is another hurdle. Her indiscretions seem to be her business in your eyes, which is a good boundary to keep, in my opinion. Sabotaging her relationship to get closer to her would really fuck up any chances you have to ever be with her. I am glad you’re being respectful of her relationship, even if she is not always. You’re right to be cautious about just hooking up with her. If you want more than sex, it would be even more hurtful to sleep with her and then have her go back to someone else. Like, truly devastating.
I can’t really tell you what you should do, as I don’t respond well to directives and I don’t think other people do, either. I think it might be a good idea to step back from this person and focus on you for a little bit. If her relationship ends, then having a conversation about it could be helpful. This is what it comes down to: is the pain you’re experiencing right now by just being her friend more or less devastating than losing the friendship? If you’re just slowly building up resentment and hurt, then saying, “Hey, I’ve developed feelings for you and it’s confusing and painful so I can’t be in contact with you right now,” is a legit thing to say. It’s painful as fuck, but giving yourself time away can help.
Time and space can heal you. Take care of yourself right now.
Kisses,
Smashera
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