Ashera is a Marriage and Family Therapist with an extensive background in sexual health education. You can ask her stuff anonymously and she won’t get weirded out. Seriously, try her. Send your queries through our anonymous contact form here.

Dear Smashera,

So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to have sex in the water. I want to try shower sex or sex in a hot tub. Stuff like that. Well, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I tried to and it kind of sucked. I’m feeling disappointed because it hurt and just wasn’t really that fun. Part of me wants to try again, but part of me feels like maybe I should just say that this is a fantasy that’s not going to happen for me.  Is there anything I can do to make it happen and have it not suck?

Sincerely,
Wet-n-Wild

Dear Wet-n-Wild,

For starters, I’m super jazzed that you tried something new! I 1000% support healthy exploration in all its (safe, sane, and consensual) forms. I’m sorry that you’re first water-sex experience wasn’t the mind-blowing fantasy fulfillment that you were craving, but there is good news! There are definitely steps you can take to have a fun, splashy, sexy, sexy time.

The surprisingly simple answer is that you need to get yourself some lube. It’s counterintuitive, but water washes away the natural slippery stuff that your vagina produces when you get hot and bothered, so penetration would understandably hurt like hell. This goes times a billion if you are a condom user.  Lubelessness + condom + water = FRICTION.  Honestly, I would be really impressed if a condom didn’t break under those dire conditions.

To make life easier, I wrote a whole dang primer on the different types of lube here. By using a little bit of lubricant, your life (and vagina) are going to feel a whole lot more pleasant. You might consider using lube just in your regular sexual practice, tbh. Seriously, the stuff is life-changing.

Yep. I’m going there.

There’s some other stuff to keep in mind when pursuing water-sex. First, if you’re going to go for it in a lake or ocean, make sure that it’s private. Don’t be a creep having sex out in public where you end up catching a public indecency charge. Just because two people consent to banging doesn’t mean other people consent to watching said banging, ya dig?

If you’re going to go for it in the shower, use a bit of caution. There are a lot of really amusing horror stories that were def not funny at the time (but they are now). Use your common sense and don’t try and get acrobatic while going at it.

Lastly, it might be worth having a conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. After a sexual encounter gone weird, it can be helpful saying, “Hey, so that didn’t go as planned, but I would be open to trying again if you are.” Sex can be such a messy thing that it’s highly unlikely that all of a person’s experiences are going to go exactly as planned. Embrace the little road bumps and learn from them.

Best of luck out there! I hope you get what you’re looking for.

Kisses,
Smashera